One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.<\/p>\n
“Lord?” I asked.\u00c2\u00a0 “Why are you following me?”<\/p>\n
“I’M BORED.”<\/p>\n
“Lord?” I asked.\u00c2\u00a0 “Why are we on a beach?\u00c2\u00a0 I’m pretty sure Kansas City is nowhere near an ocean.”<\/p>\n
“I BROUGHT YOU TO A BEACH.\u00c2\u00a0 I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.”<\/p>\n
“Isn’t that kidnapping?”<\/p>\n
“WHAT?\u00c2\u00a0 NO, NOT REALLY–OKAY, MAYBE.\u00c2\u00a0 BUT I AM THY LORD AND I HAVE PRIVILEGES.”<\/p>\n
And lo, He took out His wallet and flashed me His Almighty Express gold card.\u00c2\u00a0 Membership has privileges.<\/em> Said so right on the back.<\/p>\n I looked back along the path we had just walked, and I noticed a funny thing.\u00c2\u00a0 Mostly, I saw two pairs of footprints, but occasionally I only saw one. This concerned me, because I noticed the one pair appeared during those times when I was sad in life or suffering from defeat.<\/p>\n “Lord, \u00c2\u00a0I just noticed–”<\/p>\n “IT’S ABOUT THE FOOTPRINTS, ISN’T IT?”<\/p>\n “Why, yes.”<\/p>\n “LISTEN, THOSE ROUGH TIMES YOU WENT THROUGH?\u00c2\u00a0 YOUR MOM DYING, YOUR PUPPY BEING EATEN BY THAT CRAZY KID DOWN THE STREET, THE MULTIPLE LESIONS ON YOUR UVULA?”<\/p>\n “Yes?”<\/p>\n “I TOOK OFF.”<\/p>\n “What?”<\/p>\n “YEAH, YOU WERE A RIGHT BASTARD.\u00c2\u00a0 ALWAYS WHINING, ALWAYS CRYING, ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING<\/em>.\u00c2\u00a0 I COULDN’T GET ANY SLEEP.”<\/p>\n “Was it too much to ask for you to carry me during those rough times?”<\/p>\n “LET’S BE HONEST.\u00c2\u00a0 YOU’VE GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT.”<\/p>\n “But, you’re the Lord!<\/em> You can do anything!\u00c2\u00a0 You can create a rock even you can’t move!”<\/p>\n “THAT’S WHY YOU’RE REFERRED TO AS ‘THE ROCK’ AROUND MY HOUSE.”<\/p>\n “Okay, okay, how about there–see it?–right there, what’s with my footprints and only one footprint of yours?”<\/p>\n I WAS PLAYING HOPSCOTCH WITH THE HOLY GHOST.<\/p>\n “But that was when my dad and my girlfriend literally ate each other in a murder-suicide-steak tartare crime!\u00c2\u00a0 That was the single most lowest point in my life!\u00c2\u00a0 Couldn’t you have stopped hopping for one moment to help me out?”<\/p>\n “MY CHILD,” He said, holy and tender concern lighting up His eyes.\u00c2\u00a0 “THE HOLY GHOST BET ME DOUBLE-OR-NOTHING.”<\/p>\n “You’re a real dick, Lord.”<\/p>\n “PRAISE BE TO ME.\u00c2\u00a0 HERE, PULL MY FINGER.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. “Lord?” I asked.\u00c2\u00a0 “Why are you following me?” “I’M BORED.” “Lord?” I asked.\u00c2\u00a0 “Why are we on a beach?\u00c2\u00a0 I’m pretty sure Kansas City is nowhere near an ocean.” “I BROUGHT YOU TO A BEACH.\u00c2\u00a0 I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.” “Isn’t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,3,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ghosty","category-life","category-ya-know"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=34"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":209,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34\/revisions\/209"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=34"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=34"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=34"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}