The phone rang just past 1:00 this morning.\u00c2\u00a0 I grabbed at it, hoping to catch it in time before it woke up the Insta-Princess and our wee one.<\/p>\n
“Hello?”<\/p>\n
HI.<\/p>\n
“God?”<\/p>\n
HE-HEEE.<\/p>\n
“God, is that you?\u00c2\u00a0 It’s almost 1:15, what are you doing?”<\/p>\n
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.<\/p>\n
“God, are you–are you drunk?”<\/p>\n
NO.\u00c2\u00a0 NOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.<\/p>\n
MAYBE.<\/p>\n
“Dude, you can’t be calling this late.\u00c2\u00a0 You’ll wake the baby.”<\/p>\n
BUT I LOOOOVE YOU!\u00c2\u00a0 I L-O-V-E EVERYONE!<\/p>\n
“That’s great–really–but I have to get to work in the morning.\u00c2\u00a0 Plus, like I said, there’s the baby to think about.”<\/p>\n
I CAN ALWAYS TAKE AWAY HIS HEARING.\u00c2\u00a0 IT DIDN’T SEEM TO HURT MOZART.<\/p>\n
“You mean Beethoven?”<\/p>\n
YEAH, HIM.<\/p>\n
“No, leave Auggy’s hearing; just don’t call so late, that’s all.”<\/p>\n
BUT I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE MY BEST PAL, MY BUD.<\/p>\n
“Need a ride home, huh?”<\/p>\n
THAT JERK GANESHA HOOKED UP WITH SOME STUPID TRAMP AND LEFT ME ALONE. HE’S GOT A FRIGGIN’ ELEPHANT HEAD AND HE STILL<\/em> GETS AN UNHOLY AMOUNT OF PLAY!\u00c2\u00a0 IS IT THE TUSKS?\u00c2\u00a0 THE TRUNK?\u00c2\u00a0 I CREATED THE FUCKING RAINBOW AND HE GETS NOOKIE!<\/p>\n “Well, yeah, sure, but the rainbow… it’s kinda seen as a gay thing.”<\/p>\n REALLY?<\/p>\n “Pretty much.”<\/p>\n OH.\u00c2\u00a0 THAT HELPS EXPLAIN THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT TONIGHT.<\/p>\n “Listen, you’re God, you don’t need a ride home.\u00c2\u00a0 You can just snap your holy fingers and you’re there.\u00c2\u00a0 What do you need me for?”<\/p>\n DON’T DRINK AND DIVINE, THAT’S MY MOTTO.<\/p>\n “Okay, where are you?”<\/p>\n THE HURRICANE, OVER IN WESTPORT.\u00c2\u00a0 LOTS OF HOTTEES TONIGHT.<\/p>\n “Fine, I’m on my way.”<\/p>\n WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING? IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING FLASHY SO THE BABES ARE IMPRESSED.<\/p>\n “The Civic.”<\/p>\n TRICKED-OUT?<\/p>\n “No, just the way I bought it six years ago.\u00c2\u00a0 Doors open the regular way, it runs quietly, and the same stereo system with which it rolled off the lot.”<\/p>\n GOOD TUNES?<\/p>\n “Bee-Gees.”<\/p>\n NOT GOOD ENOUGH.\u00c2\u00a0 BAM!\u00c2\u00a0 THERE, YOUR CIVIC IS NOW A MERCEDES.<\/p>\n “Really?\u00c2\u00a0 That’s awesome!\u00c2\u00a0 That’s frickin’ sweet!\u00c2\u00a0 That’s–”<\/p>\n HAW HAW!\u00c2\u00a0 JUST KIDDING!<\/p>\n “You’re a douche, God.”<\/p>\n AND PEACE BE WITH YOU.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The phone rang just past 1:00 this morning.\u00c2\u00a0 I grabbed at it, hoping to catch it in time before it woke up the Insta-Princess and our wee one. “Hello?” HI. “God?” HE-HEEE. “God, is that you?\u00c2\u00a0 It’s almost 1:15, what are you doing?” HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. “God, are you–are you drunk?” NO.\u00c2\u00a0 NOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MAYBE. “Dude, you can’t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-242","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ghosty"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/242","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=242"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/242\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":246,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/242\/revisions\/246"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.skipfitz.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}